End-of-the-world noodle soup

Simple to make no matter how crappy your day was, right from stubbed toe crappy to zombie apocalypse crappy. Easy to eat in front of the TV. Needs minimal, if any, shopping, and is much faster to make than oven pizza (but slightly longer than toast).

You will need:

• Noodles. Any noodles. (Super Noodles, Chinese supermarket ramen, or my favourite, buckwheat soba noodles) Soup base (cheat with stock, miso soup paste, the little packet that comes with your ramen) 
• Bits (garlic, spring onion, mushrooms, bacon, prawns, chicken, or in the event of the end of days a couple of slices of the fat kid you killed on day 19) 
• Flavourings (honey, soy sauce, chilli flakes, so you can make it sweeter, saltier, hotter) I use them medicinally whether I'm hungover, sick with flu, starving, heartbroken, or angry. For a zombie bite I'd recommend adding some Dettol.
  
  
   

"Take one pickled brain..."

It's not often there's a horror fan/foodie crossover (not unless I've cut myself really badly slicing tomatoes) so these zombie recipe cards from Etsy are every Final Girl's dream. Sure, some people don't want to be reminded of undead flesh eaters when they're baking, but I'd bet those people get downstairs hot looking at wallpaper samples.

Is it too early to start making a Christmas list?

Carnivores versus the carpet

You know how it is. You want to impress a boy who likes meat about as much as the average werewolf. You take the day off, study recipe books like a starved chef, cover the meat in a spicy rub, make your own barbecue sauce from scratch. You roast the meat, then cover it in foil and roast it again in a bath of beer, then glaze it with sticky, smoky sauce and cook it again. You wait for him to get home, serve it on a massive chopping board... then drop a juicy, bright red bit of meat on his beige carpet. You try to pretend you're not crying, but you are a bit.

Drama aside, these pork ribs were amazing, so tender and juicy that you barely needed to chew, which meant you could eat about twice as much before your stomach started to sound the warning sirens. Worth doing if you've got six hours and a bottle of reliable carpet cleaner in the cupboard.