Jack and Coke to go

Some people, people who probably kick puppies for fun and throw bricks through old ladies' windows, think cupcakes are sissy. Those people have never had home-made Jack Daniels and coke cupcake. I mean, if you're running away from zombies you need your alcohol to be portable and full of carbs, right?*

Sure, they look innocent enough, all glossy chocolate icing and dense chocolate cake, but put in enough bourbon and people will bite in to them, then look at you like they've been shot. Which is my favourite of all the cake reaction looks.

Full disclosure - you're only meant to put the Jack Daniels in the icing, but when the cakes (made with coca cola and chocolate, so super moist) first come out of the oven I drizzle a bit of booze over them. Most of it evaporates, but it leaves just enough flavour to make people think you're trying to cake rape them.

Oh, you are? Then skip the jelly sweet on top and just stick a couple of rohypnol there instead. I've found it works much better.











*Don't look at me like that. I've got a theme and I'm going to stick with it.

Totally nailed

If you like burgers and/or brightly coloured fingertips then meet Burgers and Nails

First up, it's pure food porn, burgers from all over the world, snapped indecently close up and oozing cheese. Secondly, each one is held by disembodied but somehow still kind of sexy hands with cute paint jobs. Some are girls, some are boys, half the time you can't tell the difference without checking the caption.

Arty, trashy *and* a tiny bit metrosexual, what's not to love?

The burger of doom

As well as vampires, the size of my own breasts and Apple products, I'm also pretty obsessive about burgers. Sure, I'm as happy as the next diabetes candidate to sink my teeth into a quarter pounder with cheese, but my heart really lies with a posh patty.

The best I've ever had? A "Third Burger" from Hawksmoor that featured their special beef and bone marrow mix and some juicy pulled pork. This was my attempt to recreate that magic. A burger from the Heston range at Waitrose (damn fine), some Swiss cheese, a little shallot, a little tomato, some pulled pork... and a home made bun.

That's right, my own friggin' bun. Hand baked from a recipe over at Smitten Kitchen. Part bread, part brioche, it makes the house smell about 2000 times posher than it actually is and forms a solid base for even the juiciest of burgers. I've always thought people got a bit too precious about the joy of baking your own bread, but it really is crazy satisfying.

End-of-the-world noodle soup

Simple to make no matter how crappy your day was, right from stubbed toe crappy to zombie apocalypse crappy. Easy to eat in front of the TV. Needs minimal, if any, shopping, and is much faster to make than oven pizza (but slightly longer than toast).

You will need:

• Noodles. Any noodles. (Super Noodles, Chinese supermarket ramen, or my favourite, buckwheat soba noodles) Soup base (cheat with stock, miso soup paste, the little packet that comes with your ramen) 
• Bits (garlic, spring onion, mushrooms, bacon, prawns, chicken, or in the event of the end of days a couple of slices of the fat kid you killed on day 19) 
• Flavourings (honey, soy sauce, chilli flakes, so you can make it sweeter, saltier, hotter) I use them medicinally whether I'm hungover, sick with flu, starving, heartbroken, or angry. For a zombie bite I'd recommend adding some Dettol.
  
  
   

"Take one pickled brain..."

It's not often there's a horror fan/foodie crossover (not unless I've cut myself really badly slicing tomatoes) so these zombie recipe cards from Etsy are every Final Girl's dream. Sure, some people don't want to be reminded of undead flesh eaters when they're baking, but I'd bet those people get downstairs hot looking at wallpaper samples.

Is it too early to start making a Christmas list?

Carnivores versus the carpet

You know how it is. You want to impress a boy who likes meat about as much as the average werewolf. You take the day off, study recipe books like a starved chef, cover the meat in a spicy rub, make your own barbecue sauce from scratch. You roast the meat, then cover it in foil and roast it again in a bath of beer, then glaze it with sticky, smoky sauce and cook it again. You wait for him to get home, serve it on a massive chopping board... then drop a juicy, bright red bit of meat on his beige carpet. You try to pretend you're not crying, but you are a bit.

Drama aside, these pork ribs were amazing, so tender and juicy that you barely needed to chew, which meant you could eat about twice as much before your stomach started to sound the warning sirens. Worth doing if you've got six hours and a bottle of reliable carpet cleaner in the cupboard.