The burger of doom

As well as vampires, the size of my own breasts and Apple products, I'm also pretty obsessive about burgers. Sure, I'm as happy as the next diabetes candidate to sink my teeth into a quarter pounder with cheese, but my heart really lies with a posh patty.

The best I've ever had? A "Third Burger" from Hawksmoor that featured their special beef and bone marrow mix and some juicy pulled pork. This was my attempt to recreate that magic. A burger from the Heston range at Waitrose (damn fine), some Swiss cheese, a little shallot, a little tomato, some pulled pork... and a home made bun.

That's right, my own friggin' bun. Hand baked from a recipe over at Smitten Kitchen. Part bread, part brioche, it makes the house smell about 2000 times posher than it actually is and forms a solid base for even the juiciest of burgers. I've always thought people got a bit too precious about the joy of baking your own bread, but it really is crazy satisfying.

Carnivores versus the carpet

You know how it is. You want to impress a boy who likes meat about as much as the average werewolf. You take the day off, study recipe books like a starved chef, cover the meat in a spicy rub, make your own barbecue sauce from scratch. You roast the meat, then cover it in foil and roast it again in a bath of beer, then glaze it with sticky, smoky sauce and cook it again. You wait for him to get home, serve it on a massive chopping board... then drop a juicy, bright red bit of meat on his beige carpet. You try to pretend you're not crying, but you are a bit.

Drama aside, these pork ribs were amazing, so tender and juicy that you barely needed to chew, which meant you could eat about twice as much before your stomach started to sound the warning sirens. Worth doing if you've got six hours and a bottle of reliable carpet cleaner in the cupboard.